What couples often overlook about touch — and how to change it

12 May

A couple smiling into the camera in their cosy home

Having offered couple massage workshops for a while now, I've had countless conversations with couples who continue to struggle with finding a way of touching that feels good, natural, and comfortable for both partners. I’ve also personally experienced plenty of moments where someone’s touch didn’t feel “wrong” per se, but where something subtle in it made it hard for me to fully relax.

It made me reflect on the things I’ve learned over the years as a massage therapist and teacher — and I thought it might be interesting to share some of these insights with you here.

My tips around romantic touch

Safety as the #1 priority

If there's one thing that underpins all of this, it's this: We can only fully enjoy touch when we feel safe in the way we are being touched.

Consider how your body reacts when something doesn't feel quite right. It tends to tense up, right? That’s not random. It's a primal, deeply wired response, preparing us for fight or flight. When we feel unsafe, our body contracts, pulling tension into the muscles, ready to act if needed.

Relaxation, on the other hand, requires the opposite. It asks us to move into an open and receptive state, where the body can simply allow and experience — without needing to defend or protect itself. To make this possible, a sense of safety is essential.

Here are four important elements that help create that feeling of safety through touch:

A man massaging a leg of a woman on a massage table

1. Stability in strength and pace

When we receive a stroke or touch, we can only truly relax into it when we can predict what’s coming next. If the pressure or speed keeps changing unpredictably, the nervous system stays on high alert — constantly scanning for possible discomfort or pain.

This is especially important if someone has previously experienced touch that was too rough or unpleasant. Their body might be even more sensitized, constantly checking: Will it happen again?

Consistency creates trust. When your touch is stable and predictable, it gives the other person's body permission to truly let go.

During the couple massage workshops, this is one of our main focuses.

“We can only relax into touch when we can anticipate it.”

— Iza

2. Honoring accurate pressure

One of the most common mistakes I see (and have made myself) is assuming we know what feels good for the other person. There’s often a gap between how the giver perceives the pressure and how the receiver experiences it. What feels “light” to one person might feel overwhelming to another.

That’s why it's essential to ask for feedback — and to listen when it’s given, even if it surprises you.

The body’s needs also change day by day and area by area. Learning to feel and honor these subtle shifts is part of developing true intimacy through touch.

One of the tools we use during the massage workshops is a pressure number system, so that the receiver can easily explain the pressure being experiences to the one giving the touch.

A couple in a cosy home smiling as the man massages the woman

3. Confidence in touch

This one can feel counterintuitive. If we’re highly sensitive during a couple massage, we might become overly cautious or hesitant in the way we touch — thinking that's what’s needed. But strangely, an uncertain touch often feels less safe than a firm, confident one.

We naturally trust people who seem confident in their actions. A confident touch communicates: "You can relax. I know what I am doing, and I'm paying attention."

Of course, confidence doesn't mean being rough or forceful. It's about being present, clear, and self-assured in your movements.

4. Presence and responsiveness

When it comes to touch, presence is everything.

Our bodies are constantly communicating through tiny cues: changes in breathing, muscle tension, micro-movements. When someone notices and responds to these subtle shifts — maybe by softening their pressure, slowing down, or checking in — it tells our system: "I'm seen. I'm heard. I'm safe."

Presence also means putting aside your own agenda. Rather than focusing on what you want to give, you tune in to what the other person is actually needing or experiencing in the moment.

Final thoughts

Touch can be one of the most healing and intimate experiences we share with others — but only when it’s grounded in true attunement and safety. In the end, it's not about mastering some perfect technique. It's about the quality of presence, responsiveness, and care we bring to every touch.

If you're curious to explore this more deeply, my couple massage workshops offer a space where you can safely reconnect to each other — and to the beautiful, subtle language of touch.