My journey of eating disorders & body issues to my passion of holistic therapy
7 min
Today, I want to share the story of my journey with eating disorders and body issues, which let me to feeling so passionate about what I now share with clients every single day.
A long journey with food
First of all, I want to say that my relationship with food no longer plays as big a part in my life as it once did. I used to be obsessed with thinking about food. Sometimes, it's even strange to tell this story because it feels like a whole different life that I once lived.
Yet, I remember so well how, at one point, I felt so desperate and couldn’t believe that one day I wouldn’t care about food and my eating habits anymore. It’s beautiful to me that we can truly change as humans. When I struggle deeply with something, it can feel like I fall into the same hole again and again. But then one day, just one thing changes: I hear a sentence from someone, and it sticks, or I try one thing, and suddenly my life is completely different.
Small Changes Lead to Big Transformations
Last week, I heard someone say that when we need five dollars for something and we’ve already earned four, we don’t need five dollars anymore, just one. So sometimes, it’s really that one last little thing that makes the big change happen.
If you're reading this and dealing with insecurities about your body, your eating habits, or anything else, perhaps this can be a soft reminder that your process will only make sense in hindsight. There are breadcrumbs we need to follow to reach a new state, and it can’t happen any other way. Trust the process.
The Pressure to Be Perfect
In the prime of my twenties, during one of the best moments of my life, I struggled with binge eating. My journey with food has been huge for me. Ever since I was a little girl of eleven, I dealt with anorexia.
As I was traveling and living in India, walking to the beach in a bikini with my yoga mat to practice every single day and learning about things I felt so passionate about, I suddenly had an increased urge to eat. I would look forward to the moment, alone in my bedroom at the end of the day, with my oatmeal and fried bananas, watching series until I fell asleep, numb.
‘As I tried to fit myself into this narrow frame of what we’re told is an attractive woman or the woman we should all strive to be, I got sick.’
When I struggled with binge eating, I constantly pressured myself. I thought I just didn’t have the willpower to stop. I pressured myself to fix something inside me, preferably as quickly as possible. I felt pressure to be the best at something or to be perfect, to grow faster and resolve everything.
Additionally, I was tormented by the image of how a woman should look: slim, yet with breasts and a butt; clear skin, shiny, put together. As I tried to fit myself into this narrow frame of what we’re told is an attractive woman or the woman we should all strive to be, I got sick.
Emotional Eating as a Coping Mechanism
So, I fought the fear. I fought the completely exhausted part of me that was just trying to catch up to this image of myself. But every time I caught one ball—maybe I liked my belly when I looked in the mirror—another would drop. My relationship didn’t feel great, or my mind felt anxious. And for all the pressure I put on myself, I had to ignore, distract, avoid, or numb a part of myself: how I actually felt. To do that, I often turned to overeating. The fullness of my stomach distracted me from the overwhelming emotions I was feeling.
‘I fought the completely exhausted part of me that was just trying to catch up to this image of myself.’
Emotional eating is just one coping mechanism. There are many others: substance abuse, overworking, self-harm, shopping, gambling, over-scrolling social media, porn, isolating, avoidance, aggression, denial, procrastination.
Now, I’m most curious about the underlying reasons why we do the things we do. Why do we have habitual behaviors we can’t seem to shake? How can we move toward more connection with ourselves in a soft and kind way, rather than trying to fix ourselves?
Listening to My Body's Whispers
In my healing journey around food and body image, one of my main tools has been embodiment. When I didn’t like parts of my body, I rejected them. But we can’t feel something we reject.
Additionally, my mind was so strong in telling me what was right for me to eat or do that, at the beginning, it felt impossible to follow anything my body was telling me. Our body speaks in whispers most of the time.
A big part of my journey was connecting with what I rejected in my body and learning to return to listening to those whispers. A practice that I’ve shared with many clients because it was so life-changing for me is something I call: ‘Connect with what you reject.’
Embracing Emotional Awareness and Freedom
A last part of learning to listen to my body was about holding space for my emotions. I truly, truly believe that the only reason why we have addictions is because we believe there are some human experiences that we should have and others that we shouldn't have. It was when I felt tired, but I didn't want to be tired, that I went to food.
It was when I felt hurt by someone, or overwhelmed, or scared, that food was there for me as my softening companion.
I hope to remind everyone I talk to that the addiction, whether it’s food, alcohol, or drugs, is there to fulfill a need. So it's not about just quitting the addiction, it's about finding a healthier way to deal with these emotional states and the needs we have.
So, to rest when we're tired, to eat warming, nourishing food while sitting at the dinner table, or to just have a good cry
My work at With Ease
In the work that I am now doing in my practice in Amsterdam and with clients online, it is to work through similar things.
Most of us often deal with feeling like we should feel different than we are feeling and, therefore, resisting it. Even a stiff neck from sitting too long behind your laptop comes from trying to force something that is not truly feeling good.
In the holistic therapy I offer, we do a combination of bodywork and talk therapy, and we explore how we can relate to our bodies and our minds in a way that feels truly nourishing in the long term.
‘And that's truly the dance of life.
It's not about having this perfect routine of always eating exactly the amount your body tells you to eat and to never go to food to deal with your emotions. It's about making choices with intention’
And that's truly the dance of life.
It's not about having this perfect routine of always eating exactly the amount your body tells you to eat and to never go to food to deal with your emotions. It's about making choices with intention. Saying, "Hmm, my body is tired, but I really want to finish this last task. I will go for the piece of chocolate now."
Choosing something unapologetically, because we know what it's bringing to us, is what I hope we will all bring more of into our lives.
And that may mean saying ‘no’ to a party when we feel tired or going to the party because, in that moment, we choose the connection with the friend over a good night of sleep. Both are important, as long as we nourish the other side next, too.
I am so curious to hear your thoughts about this article & your personal journey around food and your body. Feel free to reach out or leave a comment.
Much love, Iza
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Whenever we don’t like something about ourselves, we instantly try to keep it hidden. From ourselves, not to have to deal with the judgemental thoughts and from others too. We try to live our lives rejecting that part, even though we still carry it wherever we go.
