The muscle of Self-Compassion

3 min

Most of us have a clear idea of what we want to do and what we want to avoid in our lives.

We aspire to hit the gym regularly, speak kindly to ourselves, communicate openly, and maintain healthy sleep and eating habits.

Conversely, we want to stay away of overeating, mindlessly scrolling through social media late at night, pretending everything is fine when it's not, and shutting down.

Yet, despite knowing the paths we wish to take, we often find ourselves being excessively hard on ourselves when we fail to meet our own standards.

Why am I not doing what I know I should?

Why do I sabotage myself time and time again?

This internal dialogue can be relentless, questioning why we aren't doing better or different. It's here that the practice of self-compassion becomes invaluable.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion, a concept popularized by Dr. Kristin Neff, is an essential practice for fostering emotional resilience and overall well-being. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and support that you would offer to a good friend.

This may seem obvious—of course, we want to treat ourselves with love and kindness. Yet, in reality, many of us struggle to do so consistently.

Instead of falling into familiar cycles of self-criticism, it's important to acknowledge our current state without judgment. For many, self-kindness isn't an automatic response; we have been taught something different for most of our lives. Self-compassion is actually something that requires deliberate practice.

The Three Components of Self-Compassion

1. Self-Kindness

Self-kindness involves being gentle and understanding with yourself, especially in times of failure or suffering. Instead of harshly criticizing yourself for perceived shortcomings, self-kindness encourages you to speak to yourself with warmth and encouragement. This component helps to reduce self-criticism, which can often exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and stress.

2. Common Humanity

Common humanity is the recognition that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. When you acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and encounters difficulties, it helps to mitigate feelings of isolation. Understanding that you are not alone in your struggles fosters a sense of connection and belonging, which can be profoundly comforting.

3. Mindfulness

Mindfulness in the context of self-compassion involves being aware of your painful thoughts and emotions without judgment. It’s about observing these feelings with clarity and openness, rather than avoiding or over-identifying with them. You can notice the feeling, instead of getting choked by it and it creates a bit of distance between ‘you‘ and the experience you are having.

This balanced perspective allows you to experience your emotions without becoming overwhelmed, enabling you to address your suffering with a clear and compassionate mind.

Exercise: Treat Yourself as You Would Treat a Friend

To cultivate self-compassion, Kristin Neff suggests an exercise that parallels how we support a friend in need:

Let's start with a beautiful exercise, created by Kristin Neff. This is the first step to start building some self-compassion muscle.

Self-compassion isn't something that needs to happen perfectly; rather, it's about embracing imperfection, stumbling, and occasionally falling short. The only requirement is returning to it again and again.

1. Identify a Challenging Situation

  Think of a situation causing you stress or emotional discomfort—a work issue, personal conflict, or mistake. You can write it down.

2. Imagine a Friend in the Same Situation

  Visualize a close friend experiencing the same difficulty. Consider how they might feel and what supportive words they would need to hear.

3. Respond with Compassion

  Reflect on the compassionate responses you would offer your friend—words of encouragement, understanding, and kindness. Write it down.

4. Direct Compassion Toward Yourself

  Now, apply these same compassionate responses to yourself. This might be simply changing her name for your own. Speak to yourself with the same warmth and encouragement you would offer your friend, acknowledging your imperfections with gentleness and acceptance.

By practicing this exercise regularly, you can develop a more compassionate and supportive inner dialogue. Self-compassion is a muscle we need to build.

Over time, self-compassion can become a natural part of how you relate to yourself, fostering emotional resilience and a more balanced, fulfilling life.

Let me know how you like the exercise & how self-compassion has become a part in your life!

Warmly, Iza