We’re all of it

I think in this phase of my life, the one where I don't have children yet but the thought of them doesn't completely freak me out all the time, I am thinking more about the kind of example I want to be. All of these little patterns of making myself smaller will be, if not properly looked at right now, what my child will grow up around.

Although the way we talk and behave toward our child teaches them a lot about this world and their place in it, the effect the way we talk and behave when it comes to the relationship we have with ourselves is even bigger. In a way, we are showing them: 'Look, this is what it looks like to live in this world.'

‘All of these little patterns of making myself smaller will be, if not properly looked at right now, what my child will grow up around.‘

The example we give

So if I am feeling insecure about my body and they will see me look in the mirror and feel my energy shift, they will take note. And if someone is crossing my boundary and I allow them without communicating my needs, they will take note. And if I will only dream small or believe I am a victim of my own circumstances, they will believe they are incapable too. Because that's what I am portraying, and they are introduced to the world mainly through my and their father's experience.

It's a beautiful phase of life because honoring this type of deep healing feels more urgent. Even though this urgency, in a way, is again a reflection of not fully believing that I deserve to be treated differently, I also believe it's a very sacred part of this human experience, where at the beginning of our lives, we are learning and growing, and then we slowly transition into this phase where we invite more and more responsibility.

‘It's a beautiful phase of life because honoring this type of deep healing feels more urgent.‘

In addition to that, I also like to view my own inner child as the child I am influencing with my actions and thoughts. I'd like to imagine that, as we are aging, we are growing around ourselves, like the rings of a tree. So each experience is like a little layer we carry, but underneath all of it is still that magical little child. Inner child energy to me feels like curiosity, feels like deep vulnerability, deep love, primal fears, feels like innocence and seeing the world through this clear lens. Here resides our deepest truths, our deepest longings, our deepest fears, and our most true needs.

‘As we are aging, we are growing around ourselves, like the rings of a tree‘

The beautiful thing about doing this inner child work while we're in the phase of adulthood is that we can bring both the wiser adult perspective to the table, as well as the child's view. We can bring this innocence and emotional perspective, as well as the more rational, stable, and wiser one.

Our need of being acknowledged

A few years ago, I did a Nonviolent Communication course and dove deeply into this topic. In NVC, we believe that every emotion comes forward through an underlying need we have. And if we can connect and acknowledge this need and allow it to be here and we communicate from that place, while also acknowledging the need of another, we can communicate in a connected, loving way.

I have noticed over time, both in relation to others and when it comes to my own internal system, that the number one desire we have is to be acknowledged for our experience. This means that we give a seat to whatever emotion we have or the story we create in our mind. Not to have it take over the steering wheel, but to have it be seen. If we're not doing that, it tends to only start to scream louder and louder.

‘We believe that every emotion comes forward through an underlying need we have.‘

What we tend to do, as we're often coming from a rational place, is to automatically respond with a solution-based approach. We feel a certain emotion, and we feel uncomfortable, so we are looking for ways to change this experience. The interesting thing is that sometimes this whole situation changes simply by placing one little step in between, and that is to acknowledge that we're feeling the thing we're feeling. To lay down our guard for a moment, to stop trying and simply breathe into this space. 'Okay, I am feeling sad.' 'Okay, this hurt.' 'Okay, I feel disappointed or fearful now.'

‘The interesting thing is that sometimes this whole situation changes simply by acknowledging that we're feeling what we're feeling‘

Suffering because of resistance to what is

Resistance to what is is what creates suffering. So if we're acknowledging and allowing this part of our experience to be there, even for a moment, we can approach ourselves from a new place. One where we're not fighting ourselves, but we're honoring and choosing our experiences wisely. As if we're saying: 'Okay, you are allowed to be here. You are allowed to be exactly what you are and stay as long as you want. But I am not ONLY you, and I am going to remind myself of these other parts of me too.'

Teal Swan said it so beautifully in her book: 'The Anatomy of Loneliness.' We're like a mosaic, carrying all parts that exist inside of us. All the colors, shapes, and sizes. We're all of it. And in this rational world, it can feel so counterintuitive, but all of these parts inside of us can actually exist right next to each other. So we can feel fearful and grateful when we're in love. We can feel sad and relieved when something didn't go as expected but it went well nevertheless. We can feel the whole rainbow of emotions, and all of it can be as true for us. In a way, us believing that we need to choose one color to identify with is a way of keeping ourselves small.

‘All of these parts inside of us can actually exist right next to each other‘

From this perspective, we can be a beautiful piece of art in progress, and we're also fully whole in this moment. We're learning something new every single day, and we're already enough. And if we can allow ourselves to view every experience with curiosity and softness, we might remain open to experiencing life from all these different places. Maybe this is what it means to live a life fully.

So as I am learning to honor myself more and more, I bring this perspective into everything I do. That I can be everything, all at once. I can give that seat to my fear, my insecurity, my traumas, but I don't need to live ONLY there. They are part of my experience, but not my full experience. And I get to choose what I focus on. I can be soft towards my insecurity and choose to focus on my own greatness.

To fill myself up with thoughts of how I am already enough. And perhaps, honoring these parts that we sometimes like to keep in the dark, is actually what is keeping us from experiencing that enoughness.