What no one tells you about confidence

16 Jun

a group of blond girls biking from the back

Confidence seems like this sometimes airy concept, which some people seem to have or not.

I remember riding with my large bag and red bike to school. My parents would drive past by car and weren’t able to pick me out of the crowd on bikes, because I looked just like any girl there.

Long hair, black jacket, Uggs, and treggings (who remembers these?).

Where primary school for me was all about standing out and following my own heart, high school was all about blending in. And I think that’s the case for most of us. As we expand our horizon, we take distance from our parents and grow closer to our peers. Groups and belonging become essential to survive in class.

As an introverted girl, I quickly realized that my strengths — being observant, having deep one-on-one connections — weren’t the currency of high school social life.

Even though I had lovely friends and wasn’t treated badly, I still felt something was missing. I believed I had to be different. I’ll never forget the moment in second grade when one of the boys shouted across the classroom, “Who is Iza? WHO EVEN IS THAT?” I decided then and there: I will NOT go unnoticed again.

So I started drinking energy drinks before school. I pushed myself to be louder, more outgoing, always “on.” I tried to befriend the more popular kids.

I was chasing a sense of belonging and recognition I believed they had.

But a sugar rush causes a sugar crash.

Confidence isn’t a mindset. It’s a full-body experience.

Looking back, I realize now that confidence isn't just a mental concept — it's something we experience in our entire nervous system. It’s about how we hold ourselves, to the thoughts that guide our actions.

What actually builds confidence

1. Understanding how the mind filters reality 🧠

I think that understanding how our brain and body are built can help tremendously in feeling less alone in our experience.

There are many ways our body and mind are coping with our reality, which is not always entirely helpful to our happiness. Our brain is wired for survival.

As our brain still is, in essence, the same type of brain our ancestors had in the times of the hunters and gatherers, this was a time when life was way more dangerous.

We needed our mind to look out for us all the time: what’s missing, what is potentially dangerous, or what needs to be improved.

It wouldn’t be helpful to overlook everything already great or beneficial, as this was something already “working.”

Nowadays this system still helps us keep ourselves safe (“it’s the reason we don’t cross the street without looking”), but it’s also more sensitive than needed.

I always think about it as a smoke alarm, which also goes off when we are baking pancakes. We need the smoke alarm there in case of fire, but oftentimes it is unnecessarily sensitive.

Knowing that makes it easier to understand why we can have these insecure thoughts or bring ourselves down before taking the leap. When we stay in the old and familiar, our brain feels safe.

The RAS (Reticular Activating System) is your brain’s filter. It shows you more of what you focus on. When you think about buying a red car, this is the system in your brain that then makes you notice red cars everywhere.

The great thing about knowing this about the brain is that we can work with this system through intentional focus.

Some great practices for this are:

A “Why I’m Already Awesome” List or the practice of: Feeling proud on purpose.

Why I am Already Awesome’ list

Keep a list of your strengths, values, moments you felt proud, beautiful feedback you received from your surroundings. Read and add to this often.

Feeling proud on purpose.

List daily 3 things you feel proud of already. What are you doing that is already helpful?

A woman looking into the camera while pancakes are on fire

2. Self-trust 🧭

True confidence grows when you keep your promises to yourself.

What can often happen (I know this is a tough one for me to learn) is that we need to make these promises realistic toward ourselves.

Having a 20-tick-off to-do list that needs to be done every day in order to be in alignment with your commitments is meant to fail at some point. But having three things that you are committing to for the next week or month can bring you a lot of self-trust when following through.

Here it’s so true that the small things influence the big ones. Us doing our morning workout for a full week can help us feel more confident in other areas too, simply because there’s this sense: I can set my mind to something and make it happen.

3. Self-regulation 🌬️

Emotional regulation weaves in here perfectly.

Confidence grows when your body learns: “I can handle this. I can stay with myself, even now.”

Read more about emotional regulation here

a girl writing in her journal with a cosy fire behind her

4. Doing the thing scared 😬

As shared before, we might never do certain things if we have to wait until we’re not scared or unsure anymore.

Our brains are wired that way.

Our amygdalas (you actually have two) are this smoke detector that will bring fear along everywhere you go, unless you face it.

During my work with clients in holistic therapy, we work with this concept often. We need to show our amygdala, through building experience-based evidence, that we are actually safe. That’s how your nervous system rewires.

This is where self-compassion also comes in. We can feel the fear but hold it with us like a companion that we don’t give the steering wheel of the car. It can be there, but we don’t let it drive.

5. Redefining “failure” 🌱

I think being aware of how we view failure can be incredibly beneficial.

Not all growth is visible.

The tree grows in the winter too — only not in height, but in depth, at the roots.

Last week, during my luteal phase of my cycle, I went to the gym and suddenly I couldn’t press any more than 70 kilos (where the week before I pushed 100). I couldn’t even move myself. It reminded me of our cyclic nature (especially as women) and how growth is never linear.

During the emotional eating coaching program I led, we focused a lot on this approach. How do you deal with setbacks and the immediate guilt that can follow them?

It was through the power of curiosity.

Being more curious about the information the experience gives you than about the fact that you went back to old behavior. Understanding that this information is ESSENTIAL for sustainable change. In this way, mistakes are actually what eventually bring success.

Failing forward is what we called it.

a magical tree where you see the branches and leaves as well as the roots

6. Having a vision 🎯

I think that when we’re focusing on building confidence, we can get stuck in being very aware of where we’re still not feeling that way.

We are “consciously incompetent,” according to The Four Stages of Competence.

What I believe is important here is to spend time in our day, daily, to focus on what we do want to move towards.

What does that person look like?

How does your life look?

What does your day-to-day look like when you are feeling confident?

Visualizing can be an incredibly powerful tool for this — visualizing either yourself in this new life or embodying someone you know or admire who already exudes this confidence.

Also, journaling with simple prompts like:

What do I want to bring into my life? (Write in present tense and I-form)
When I am confident, I feel...
When I am confident, I act...
What part of you already has confidence?

After having the vision, we can come back to these daily small commitments toward ourselves. Layla Hormozi calls this the power of the small daily tweak. Small steps that guide us towards this goal.

An important note to keep in mind here is that the planning toward the goal should be done like a compass and not a GPS.

We have to go in the direction of, but we cannot plan out the whole route.

This is where the cyclic nature of growth comes in and the realistic commitments we make to ourselves.

In the end, confidence isn’t about being the loudest in the room or never feeling fear. It’s about feeling safe enough in yourself to show up — as you are.

It’s the quiet knowing that you can handle what life brings, that you can stay with yourself even in discomfort, and that you’re worthy even when things don’t go as planned.

Confidence grows in small moments. In showing up for yourself, keeping tiny promises, softening your inner dialogue, and choosing curiosity over judgment. It lives in your breath, your posture, your daily choices.

So if you’re on this journey too, know this: there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not behind. You’re already on your way — one grounded step at a time.