Why does my body still react the same way, even though I understand where it comes from?

16 Jun

Quick summary

Coming back to old familiar patterns again and again, happens because your body (nervous system) runs on past survival experiences, not logic or insight
The goal is not to “think differently,” but to help your body respond differently
This is done by expanding your window of tolerance through gradual nervous system work
6 Key pillars of this process include:
1. supporting your basic physiological needs
- building internal and external resources for safety
- learning how to regulate your nervous system
- gently expanding your capacity through practical nervous system training
- gently updating old beliefs and survival stories
- practicing new responses in real-life situations

How many of us have been sitting at therapy, talking for the past few years, feeling like we know exactly what is going on?

We know the childhood wounds.

We know the ways we cope in moments when we’re stressed or scared

We know that the things we feel so deeply are not necessarily needed anymore.

I listened to a podcast with Marisa Peers at DOAC where she gives words to this so beautifully:

“You are looking at these situations through the eyes of a five-year-old.”

But how is it that even when we understand we no longer have to carry these old perspectives or behaviours, our body keeps responding in the same familiar way?

In my experience as a Integrative somatic therapist, I know the answer lies in supporting your nervous system to let go of old survival patterns and finally catch up with what you already know intellectually.

This guide is about exactly that.

Because healing isn’t just about understanding your story.

It’s about teaching your nervous system that we have a new story to live by.

What is actually happening in my body when I get triggered?

Shortly said, our nervous system remains wired by:

Unintegrated experiences from the past (Stored stress and tension in the body) (Van der Kolk, 1994)
Having our nervous system respond in old familiar ways that were once essential coping strategies during childhood (dr. Bruce Perry, 1995)

This is why we can logically know there is no threat and have done lots of reflection on why we respond the way we do, yet our body doesn’t seem to change.

I always like to imagine our system as a bucket that has been filled with water without emptying and within our nervous system a wide open pathway in the middle of a cornfield that represents our default habit of responding.

In order for the body to release the contraction, we first need a sense of safety. (Dr. Stephen W. Porges, 2007)

For this, we need to show our system that it can be in the midst of intensity without feeling like it is under threat.

It is a misconception that we need to be relaxed all the time.

It’s not about immunity. It’s about flexibility.

A vibrant life asks for life to move us.

Yet we don’t want to drown; we want to swim, even in the middle of a storm, with ease.

That means building the capacity to regulate our nervous system during stressful events without becoming overwhelmed, so that we don’t retraumatise ourselves in the experience and can stay connected.

This dr. Siegel first started to call expanding our window of tolerance. (F M Corrigan 1, J J Fisher, D J Nutt, 2010)

Glass of water with storm in it while a stone falls into it

What is the window of tolerance, and why does it matter?

Imagine a stone in a glass, causing a huge disturbance.

Now imagine the effect of that same stone in a lake, where apart from a few ripples, the stone goes almost unnoticed.

Our window of tolerance is just like the glass or the lake.

The larger our window of tolerance, the more capacity we have to handle life’s challenges without becoming overwhelmed.

You can think of the window of tolerance as your nervous system’s comfort zone.

When our window is small, even relatively minor stressors can feel overwhelming or triggering.

*Comfort zone vs Stretch zone vs panic zone*

This often happens when we carry these:

Unintegrated experiences from the past (aka stored stress and tension in the body)
Having our nervous system respond in old familiar ways that were once essential coping strategies (most often during childhood)

In other words, when the body is already carrying a heavy load, there is very little space left to deal with the challenges of everyday life.

How do we expand our window of tolerance?

We expand our window of tolerance by working with the same two things that shaped our nervous system in the first place:

Releasing previous unintegrated experiences
Rewiring old coping pathways

As we do this, our nervous system gradually gains more capacity and flexibility.

The key is to stretch, not overwhelm

Just like expanding a comfort zone, we grow by gradually moving beyond what feels familiar.

We don’t move so fast that we end up in panic or overwhelm.

Instead, we spend time in the stretch zone: the place where we’re challenged enough to grow, but still feel safe enough to stay present.

In nervous system work, we call this process titration.

At With Ease, we use our 6-step nervous system rewiring framework to help expand the window of tolerance and bring the body up to date with what the mind already knows.

Let’s dive in.

The 6-step nervous system rewiring framework

Step 1: Covering the basics

In case your basics are not set up properly, this is an essential starting point.

Make sure you:

Eat enough
Drink enough water
Sleep at least 8 hours per night
Check in with your environment and how it affects you
Reduce or eliminate caffeine and alcohol intake

There have been so many clients I've worked with who simply worked on the foundation and completely changed the way their nervous system responded.

In these cases their wired response turned out to be an alarm signal, rather than just a repetitive old pattern.

For me personally, this has also been one of the biggest game changers and is always the first place I start with clients, in all of its simplicity.

Step 2: Resourcing: Starting a relaxation practice

When our system has been ‘on’ for so long, actually sitting down and putting your feet up can start to feel very uncomfortable.

It can feel safer to stay “on” and keep going all the time than to stop and let your guard down.

Because what if, in the moment you’re exhaling and truly resting, something unexpected happens?

Resourcing refers to helping the nervous system connect with experiences, people, places, memories, sensations, or practices that create a sense of safety or wellbeing.

This makes the nervous system more familiar with relaxation and off-time, simply because you're spending more time there.

One of the best ways to resource is by creating a stable daily practice focused on bringing your body into a calm state (preferably in the morning).

Woman who is sitting on floor with paint all around her looking scared

Step 3: Building a regulation toolkit

Because a huge part of expanding your window of tolerance involves moving towards tension, discomfort, and the things that feel threatening to your system, being able to keep our nervous system calm and regulated is essential.

For that, we want to feel equipped.

Imagine you’re renovating your house and you’ve prepared yourself with tools from the hardware store and a huge playlist of YouTube instruction videos.

While you’re doing many new things, you still feel a sense of ease simply because you’ve prepared yourself so well.

We’re doing the same thing here.

We’re building a full on toolkit.

Eventually, regulation comes down to a few simple skills:

We can observe sensations in our body, without drowning in the story about it.
We can maintain a deep, slow, and consistent breath (without extended or irregular breath holds).

In this way, we’re communicating through the body back to the brain that we are safe, allowing it to calm down.

Step 4: Practical nervous system training

Equipped with a toolkit, we can begin stepping outside our comfort zone through practical exercises.

Here, we are releasing stored energy from the body while simultaneously showing our system that it can witness that activation without needing to enter panic/freeze mode.

When we stay connected to our breath and remain present without panicking or disengaging, we tell our reptilian brain:

“Look, this may feel intense, but we are not dying. We are actually safe.”

Again, the way to approach these practices is through the philosophy of titration.

It’s better to take frequent small steps than to occasionally take a step that feels overwhelming.

Slow, frequent, and steady beats irregular, quick, and overwhelming.

Step 5: Updating the stories that keep you stuck

All our feelings and behaviors start with a thought.

And a thought we think often becomes a belief.

The brain doesn’t see reality as it is. It sees reality as it predicts it to be from a place of survival.

With clients, I view these belief systems through the lens of Internal Family Systems.

These beliefs are coming from a part of us, which believes that by carrying that story, it keeps us safe.

Behind every belief, there is a need it is trying to meet.

‘Our brain hates changing its mind. It is designed to keep us safe and familiar.’ - Nir Eyal

It's important to acknowledged that and give space for the story to be shared at first.

Yet they don’t have to sit in the driver’s seat.

(I love love love this piece of art from Elizabeth Gilbert all about not putting fear in the drivers seat)

So we’re not trying to get rid of the thought.

In fact, that’s nearly impossible.

If I tell you, “Don’t think about a pink elephant,” what immediately comes to mind?

Instead we focus on creating a wider variety of perspectives.

Step 6: Practising in the wild: Gradual Exposure

After doing nervous system training by ourselves or with a therapist, the next step is building evidence of your capacity to regulate in real-life situations.

Here we’re

using our regulation toolkit
and moving into experiences through the philosophy of titration.

In doing so, we show the brain that these situations can be safe.

This is where new evidence is created.

This is where confidence grows.

And this is where your nervous system begins to catch up with what you already know.

Conclusion

If there is one thing I’d love for you to take away from this article, it is the reminder that you are not the problem.

It's not because you’re seemingly too childish, intense, or too sensitive etc.

It is simply the wiring of your nervous system.

Looking back, we can often bring the puzzle pieces together, and things start to make more sense.

Our responses may have been essential at one point in our lives, but we were looking at life through the eyes of a five-year-old.

Nervous system work takes time and patience, but it can offer an entirely new perspective on life.

And if you’d like support in this process, this is exactly what we work with in Integrative Somatic Therapy.

Together, we’ll explore the patterns that keep you stuck, help your nervous system build a greater sense of safety, and create the conditions for lasting change.

You can schedule a free introductory call here.

Schedule your introductory call for free

Frequently asked questions

Does this mean therapy or talking about my past doesn’t work?

No. Insight and awareness are important foundations. But lasting change often requires working with the body so the nervous system can update how it responds, not just understand why it responds that way.

How long does it take for the nervous system to change?

There is no fixed timeline. Nervous system change is gradual and happens through repeated experiences of safety, regulation, and integration over time.

What does it mean to feel safe in my nervous system?

It doesn’t mean feeling calm all the time. It means you can stay connected to yourself even when things feel intense, without becoming overwhelmed, shutting down, or reacting automatically.

How do I know if I’m in my window of tolerance?

You are generally within your window when you can stay present, think clearly, feel your body, and respond rather than react, even if stress is present.

What if I still get overwhelmed, even when I use the tools?

That usually means your system needs more safety and slower pacing. Regulation is not about pushing through, but about building capacity gradually and consistently.

Is it normal that relaxation feels uncomfortable?

Yes. For many people, relaxation initially feels unsafe because the nervous system has learned that being “on” equals safety or control. Learning to rest is part of the process.

What is the difference between coping and regulation?

Coping helps you get through a moment. Regulation helps your nervous system return to balance and increases long-term resilience.

Do I need to follow all six steps in order?

I would argue yes, although some of the steps may already be in place for you. Starting with the basics, inviting in a relaxation practice, and building your regulation toolkit are really the building blocks to then move to the other steps. To a certain extent, you could do steps 4, 5, and 6 at the same time, although it’s again important to move slowly and take your time.

Can I do this work on my own?

Some parts, yes. Many people can build awareness and practice regulation tools on their own. Deeper patterns often benefit from guided support so the system can stay within its capacity to process safely.

That said, even though you can do a lot of this work independently, it is often incredibly helpful to have someone guide you through the process. A skilled practitioner can both gently nudge you to step outside your comfort zone when needed—even when your system’s alarm bells are saying “don’t go there”and, on the other hand, help you slow things down and tone it back in when you’re moving too fast.

In this way, they act as a second pair of eyes from an objective perspective, helping ensure you’re moving through this sensitive work in the right order, at the right pace, and with enough safety for real integration to happen.

At With Ease, we offer Integrative Somatic Therapy, where together we work onthe patterns that keep you stuck, helping your nervous system build a greater sense of safety, and create the conditions for lasting change.