Listen to the podcast on this topic here

During a coffee date with a friend, we talked about intimacy and how both the way we touch and how we experience touch can be quite a 'touchy' subject for many of us. (Pun intended - 'hihi')

Having offered couple massage workshops for a while now, I've had numerous conversations with couples who continue to struggle with finding a touch that their partner enjoys and finds comfortable. I've also experienced my fair share of touches where I couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong, but I simply couldn't relax into them.

I thought it might be interesting to share a few things I've learned as a massage therapist and teacher through my experiences.

Safety as a 1# priority

The main aspect, which underpins all the points I want to discuss, is the fundamental requirement for truly enjoying any form of touch, whether it's a handshake, a massage, or sexual intimacy. We can only fully enjoy touch when we feel safe in the way we are being touched.

‘We can only fully enjoy touch when we feel safe in the way we are being touched.’

Consider how your body reacts when you don't feel at ease; it tends to tense up, right? This response is deeply ingrained in our primal systems, preparing us for a fight or flight response when something doesn't feel right. We divert blood and tension to our muscles, ready to act if necessary. Relaxation, on the other hand, entails moving our bodies into an open and receptive state. Here, we are not focused on the need to defend or protect ourselves; we simply allow and experience. To make this possible, we always need a sense of safety..

So, here are a few key factors to bear in mind when it comes to bringing this safety in touch:

1. Stability in Strength and Pace:

When we receive a stroke, we can only relax into it when we can anticipate what will come next. If the touch varies in strength or pace, it becomes challenging to relax. Especially if you've previously experienced overly rough or uncomfortable touches, your awareness is likely heightened, constantly checking if the discomfort will repeat.

‘we can only relax into it when we can anticipate’

2. Honoring Accurate Pressure

There's often a difference between how the giver perceives the pressure of their touch and how the receiver experiences it. This occurs frequently. One person may believe they are applying light pressure, while the other finds it way too strong. Therefore, it's crucial to honor the feedback received (and even ask for it). Assumptions don't tell us everything. The appropriate pressure can vary from one area of the body to another and even from day to day. Behind this lies a beautiful thing. As partners, you get to learn about each other's bodies and you can become highly skilled in delivering the type of touch your partner prefers.

‘It's crucial to honor the feedback.’

3. Confidence in Touch

This one may seem counterintuitive at times, as our sensitivity can sometimes lead to uncertainty in our touch. However, when we sense, as the receiver, that someone is unsure about their touch, we also become uncertain. We tend to place our trust in those who show their confidence in their actions. Oftentimes, an insecure touch will feel less stable.

4. Presence & Responsiveness

We feel safe with those who respond to our subtle cues. This is especially true  when it comes to touch, as were focused on the body. Non-verbal signals can convey a lot, and sometimes, it's even challenging for the us as the recipient to put into words what we're experiencing. When the giver notices changes in our breathing, the tension in the muscles being touched, or the subtle yet sudden movements our body makes, and responds promptly, they create a safe space where we feel acknowledged and understood.

‘We feel safe with those who respond to our subtle cues‘

I'm super curious if any of these elements resonate with you!

I would love to hear your story!

Listen to the podcast on this topic here